News

What's All the Racquet? Gather 'round and hear how Unreal laid down our life for Anna Kournikova.

Anna Kournikova will always occupy a small place in Unreal's heart.

The year was 2003. The starlet was in town to compete in World TeamTennis at Forest Park. Organizers of the event feared Kournikova's, er, magnetism would unleash a zombie army of masturbators and sexual predators, and Unreal was hired on as extra security.

Our job was to stand on the steps leading to center court and make sure no miscreants got anywhere near the object of their desire. We're proud to report that Kournikova survived her visit unscathed. And while Unreal did absolutely nothing to actually protect her, Kournikova's safety remains a concern of ours to this day.

Imagine then our dismay when, during a radio interview, Washington, D.C., tennis pro Justin Gimelstob promised to kick Kournikova's "ass" when she and the St. Louis Aces travel to the nation's capital July 23. Gimelstob, a member of the Washington Kastles, vowed to serve into Kournikova's body at 128 mph and plug return shots down her throat. "If she's not crying by the time she walks off that court, then I did not do my job," quoth he.

Gimelstob didn't stop there. "I have no attraction to her, because she's such a douche," he continued. "I really have no interest in her. I wouldn't mind having my younger brother, who's kind of a stud, nail her and then reap the benefits of that."

Last week the WTT suspended Gimelstob for one match. Kournikova, by golly, is taking the high road. Asked about the incident, the tennis vixen tells Unreal:

"You know, WTT is not about those sorts of things. It's about keeping it fun and positive. I don't want to give it any more significance than it has already received."

Case closed.

But, uh, speaking as Kournikova's former protector, Unreal has one message for Gimelstob: Do what you will with Anna, but please don't hurt us. 

Light Speed Ahead
In 1492 seafarer Martín Alonso Pinzón helped his buddy Christopher Columbus sail the ocean blue as captain of the ship Pinta. Five hundred years later, Pinzón's descendant, Brian Pinzon, is dreaming up some out-of-this-world adventures of his own with his book on space travel, Albetration 2394 A.D.

A graduate of Webster University and the University of Phoenix, Pinzon lives in El Paso, Texas, where Unreal reached him by phone.

Unreal: Tell us about Albetration 2394 A.D. Does it take place in the future?

Brian Pinzon: The first part of the book takes place in the future and imagines what life will be like once we build a device to travel to the stars. In the second part of the book, I explain through drawings and words how we could use present-day technology to achieve faster-than-light travel.

How's that?

You fire a ground-based laser in the atmosphere at a superconducting magnetic ring. The laser makes the ring rotate and creates a magnetic field that could propel something deep into space. It's a wormhole, basically.

Wow! And your degree in healthcare from Webster University provided you with this knowledge?

No, not exactly. This is mostly a hobby, though I do have a master's degree in technology management.

Do you think your ancestor, Martín Alonso Pinzón, could have wrapped his mind around your science?

No. Not back then, anyway. This is pretty complicated.

What's next in your research?

Well, I've invented a keyless remote for cell phones. I've also come up with something I call the Gravtube that would propel people through tubes and do away with cars. I have a feeling that my invention caused the price of oil to shoot up recently. 

Float Trip
Did ya hear the news? The rising waters of the Mississippi have forced Fair St. Louis off the riverfront this year. But don't worry! The flood won't stop fairgoers from enjoying the 131st Veiled Prophet Parade through downtown on July 4. Appropriately enough, this year's parade theme is none other than the official hoosier battle cry: "Let's Party!"

Which set Unreal to thinking. Clearly, VP organizers have finally embraced the unruly throngs who make Fair St. Louis the greatest people-watching spectacle of the year. "Let's Party!" is a fab-tastic starting point. But how 'bout upping the ante next year?

Without further ado, Unreal suggests the parade committee choose one of the following for VPP '09:

• More Explosive Than Ribfest

• Turkey Legs — or Busts!

• If You're Not Wasted, the Day Is!

• Dude, Watch This!

• Marching Toward Oblivion

• Freebird: It's Not a Noun. It's an Attitude.

• Get'r Done!

• St. Louis' Original Tractor Pull

• Let's Party Some More! 

Local Blog O' The Week
"Summer of Benny.com (S.O.B.)"
www.summerofbenny.com
Author: Benny
About the blogger: Unreal's breaking with tradition a bit here, in that we're featuring a local blogger we featured once before — in May 2006, to be precise, when he was just getting started. Today, he's still middle-aged and still blogging. Anyhoo, thanks to a reader's suggestion, here goes Benny again.

Recent Highlight (May 13): Work in Progress

Upon further review, I did get something accomplished last weekend during my Velveeta-induced whack fest. I wrote a Real Men of Genius script and emailed it to a top secret contact at Anheuser-Busch.

Bud Light Presents Real Men of Genius

[Real Men of Genius]

Today we salute you, Mr. I have my own Blog Guy.

[Mr. I have my own Blog Guy]

While ordinary people unwind the day by spending time with friends and family, you sit at your computer telling the world what you had for lunch.

[I ate out today]

A wizard on the Web, you feverishly troll through cyberspace looking for funny videos to share with your readers. A celebrity gets arrested, a kid face plants off a skateboard, a disturbing look at animals doing what nature intended.

[Those monkeys are funny]

Add me as your friend, post a comment, subscribe to my feed — your Blog has it all.

[I'll be your friend]

If anyone wants to know what you did last weekend, all they have to do is read your latest post. Some may ask, "Why don't you get a life?" Well, you have a life. And you're letting everyone else in on it.

So crack open a nice cold Bud Light, Icon of the Internet. Because without your Blog, the rest of us wouldn't have a reason to live.

[Mr. I have my own Blog Guy]

Feel free to make suggestions, but don't say mean things like I'm not funny. That hurts my feelings. And I don't need any negative vibes during prom week.

Know of an Unreal-worthy local blog? Send the URL to unreal@riverfronttimes.com